!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

cleaning the kiddie pool

2006-06-05 / 9:13 p.m.
a new agey type christian zealot-(and yes, they exist!) once told me that i needed to "walk through the fear". of course, she meant for me to give my life over to the care of jeebus, but i translated it to getting off drugs, drinking, and getting my shit together. i've been "walking through the fear" for 13 years now, and sometimes it's really hard to see the fruits of my labor.

i interviewed for the supervisor's position at work last week. i feel like i did okay, i don't really regret anything i said, but i still feel that i probably won't get the job, which makes me mildly resentful. the part of me that believes i'm one of dione warwick's psychic friends has already determined that one of the misogynistic assholes from another shift will get crowned as the supervisor. along with the pay increase, i want the position because i really, really care about the kids i work with. so far, the shift that i work on is the only shift that has the kids out and makes an effort to stay active with them in their daily tasks. my boss even told me that "the most qualified and deserving person doesn't always get the job". i took this as a compliment. ah, here comes the fruit: the rewards will be in completing actions, and won't mean that i get something tangible in return for an effort. i need to use this as a mantra, because i've been wading in that negative kiddie pool of: i give, you gimme...i give, you gimme...etc.

kiddie pools are great on hot days, but after a while there's funk that rises to the top: grass clippings, little pieces of sticks, and dead bugs. on the bottom of the pool is a bunch of grit and sand that sticks to your ass when you wade in the dang thing. one really has to fight with themselves to just empty the damn pool and fill it up again. so lemme backpedal here--the kiddie pool isn't negative per se, it's just comfortable and habitiual. have i lost you dedicated readers? i'll admit, that was a rather sorry analogy.

i assume y'all wade in this pool, no?
i say all this shit about pools and philosophy, and i don't even know what the outcome is yet. i really hate being in my own head sometimes.

so when i like getting out of my head i read. i'm in the middle of "the world according to garp" by john irving and it's a great book. i remember bits and pieces of the movie from a long time ago, i know someone dies, but i can't remember who. anyway, i like the book. once again, i'm in love with irving's characters. i can't decide who i want to sleep with more, garp or his wife! reading irving's work reminds me of how much i really enjoy to write and tell a story.

i've been staying away for writing for a while-(since i've killed jenfish off), and i can feel a binge writing session coming on, and i feel a tugging on my creative heart strings to return to writing that book that's been collecting dust. on my way home from work the other morning, i grabbed a crusty pencil and coffee stained piece of paper from the console of the pontiac and wrote a couple things that i just couldn't get out of my head. i jotted the ideas on the paper in writing so illegible, that i'm sure to come across it again the next time i fill the tank up and ask myself, "what the fuck is this shit?".

in the garage, i have another project materializing..."shebrew". it's an art show i'm having at the local anarchist book store next month, and all of it is about art that has emerged from my self-teaching in hebrew. so far my studio is littered with tv dinner trays that i have halfway painted, and need to be finished soon. i have been procrastinating the project on purpose-(hellloooo alliteration!)because i think that it's just not going to be a success anyways, so why bother getting it done. fear. walk through that fear, and dump the fucking pool!

this morass is to be continued...

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