!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

summer preserves

2006-06-01 / 4:27 a.m.
i don't have much time to write, because i need to get to bed soon. i have a job interview this afternoon and want to be well rested. it's for a supervisor's job at my current place of employment.

i wasn't offered the case management job that i interviewed for, but i was called back for a second interview. after i left, i kinda felt like i blew it, and had this 'spidey sense' feeling like i wasn't gonna get it. i could go over and over in my head all the reasons why i didn't get it, but the fact is i didn't get it. it has nothing to do with me. i'm telling myself this mantra because i have the tendency to indulge in self-hating thoughts and marinate that when i don't get something it has something to do with me. don't y'all do that shit, too?

i replace the garden gnome of negativity with positives: the smells of summer. peonies, honeysuckles, pink roses, mown grass, the neighbor firing off the bbq, etc. sometimes i wish i could just can all of the seasons in a ball jar and whenever i got depressed i could open it up and spoon some of it out on a triscuit or everything bagel. wouldn't that be rad? think about it: sad? fuck it, schmeer your depression with memories of apple cider, trick-or-treating, and some doughnuts. bad day at the office? open a jar of lake side picinic complete with cherry lemonade and a bucket of fried chicken.
hell, with technology advancing faster than people can think, there might just be a way to preserve good things in jars. then that way, we wouldn't have to take so much fucking medicine.

which by the way, i saw my psych nurse and she wanted me to think about switching medications. fuck that. first of all, i don't like taking the shit, second of all i'm on such a low dose of a cost effective generic anti-depressent that it wouldn't be in my budget to go on an archaic name brand anticonvulsant-(YES she suggested an old school anticonvulsant as a way to control PMSDD), and lastly, the meds i'm currently on WORK. why in the HELL would i want to fix something that works? me thinks she had a recent visit from a pharmaceutical rep, that's what me thinks.

so anyway, i've blathered much longer than i've intended. my current dilemma
is wrestling with god, which seems to be the plight of any good person, regardless of their religious affiliation. why in the hell should i do the next right thing if i don't get something back? case in point: submitting resumes to different places of employment-(and not getting the job), going to the job interview tomorrow-(i'm figuring they won't want me),submitting CDRs of my art work et all-(and having some editor ask, "what the fuck is this shit?") and any other responsible thing you can think of. i know why i DO things, but i'm struggling with it all.

i'm reading "the world according to garp" right now. i'm at the part where he's in europe and very jealous of how the character just gets to 'hang' in europe. i wish i had time and money to just galavant in the EU, holed up in some weird 'pension' and write/make art to my heart's content. i can't do that... i gotta job to do, shit to make, money to spend bringin' home the turkey bacon, pay the bills.

i think i've figured out another facet of the situation. i hold myself to a high standard because (amazingly so) i believe in myself. i used to not believe in anything-(and no,i never been a nihlist) sometimes the only "thing" i'm going to "get" out of doing the "next right thing" is the action i've just completed. sometimes there will be no reward. and that, dear virginia is fucking depressing.

time to open up a jar of summer 1997: my first backpacking trip.

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