!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

cornucopia of thoughts

2006-02-17 / 4:24 a.m.
i know cornucopias are an icon of fall and thanksgiving, but this entry is a cornucopia of a ton of shit: i've already used trail mix as a title, and honestly can't think of anything more clever.

first things first--FORGET what i said about belladonna's "girls fucking" porno. yes, that shit was hot n' nasty, BUT i found her other work, "conASSeur" to be much, much, much, much, much, infinity HOTTER. i think it's fabulous that a woman is producing, directing, and starring in work. she has a solid hold on what is hot. my only criticism is i wish she'd get some chunkier women, or some black women. they're not 'skinny bitches' but they aren't MY body type. it makes me happy and turned on to a different level to see more women like me in porn having a great time, and not doing the whole 'food fetish' thing because we're fat. if it weren't for the fact i work in human services, i would consider sex work as a career opportunity. no, no-- i wouldn't get into prostitution or anything, i'd probably direct and produce films. so (pun intended) rent "conASSeur"- you won't be disappointed! well, you might be if you don't like hot chick on chick action.

second things second--vin and i just don't want to have a baby right now. i have a list of pros and cons in my head and they are about dead even. the point is the whole 'planning' thing seems to be too forced, and while i don't profess to KNOW god's will, i do know what god's will is NOT, and that is forced. spirituality flows. RELIGION is forced.

REASONS I WANT TO BE A MOM

*i'd be a kick ass mom, period.

*i can't describe it, but after my 28th birthday, my uterus started telling my brain to fill it with a baby. i don't know why.

*babies are cute. since i've worked with the retarded, i can handle cleaning up all bodily fluids without gagging too much.

*the genetic make-up: vin's mop of adorable curly hair and his genius, melded with my high cheekbones, beautiful eyes, and my snarkiness.

*vin would be a kick ass dad, period. he's told me how he wants to be a stay at home dad and work part-time, so i can be career minded art woman. ain't that sweet?

*i'd have someone to teach torah to, and add a number to maintain the jewish population.

*i'd get to laugh at all the child's idiotic yet heartbreakingly cute phases: believing in the tooth fairy, trying dog biscuits, sucking their thumb, thinking kissing gets one pregnant, being scared of santa.

*i would teach the child how to be a mensch, foster ANY of his/her dreams, and shower the child with true LOVE, and never, EVER any of the shit that passed for 'love' that i had to experience. i believe that a child needs to know about boundaries, expectations, follow through, and praise. i have NO intention of being my kid's best friend. i think that's where parents fuck up: they give their kid everything and when it comes time to say 'no', they don't know what to do.

REASONS I HAVE NO DESIRE TO BE A MOM

*i won't have the freedom to come and go as i please

*sore tits from breast feeding

*the financial hardship, and perpetuating the cycle of mass consumerism

*the fear of losing my identity--i'll make my child my world and forget to make art or write

*i'll have to explain things to and protect my offspring from ugly ugly parts of this world: death, corporate america, drug addiction, alcoholism, disney, consumerism, prejudice, assimilation, groupthink, and oprah winfrey

*i would never want my child to have to feel obligated to take care of me, or have to make decisions about me should my health fail. i would never want my child to experience the death of me or vinnie when they are very young.

*i don't want to have to deal with the death of my own child.

*yeah, yeah--even though i work with teens for a living, i'm not sure if i could handle MY OWN teenager. it's different at work: a kid is bad, they get a consequence that has been defined by juvenile detention. if my kid is bad(and all teens are inherently brain dead and evil), i would really, really, really, really struggle with the decision to beat him or her.

*i'm afraid i'll do all the things i'm supposed to do, and the child will still be fucked up.

*i don't feel that i should have a child for the sake of jewish tradition. the biggest reason i love being a jew, is because i'm allowed to question authority, and extract spirituality from that. tradition is the stupidest fucking reason to do something.

so i guess the list isn't exactly even, but regardless 2006 will not be the year we intentionally conceive.

third things third--i'm gonna start writing again. i was talking with my writing buddy tony, and i just need to get over my fear of the unknown. the fear of being rejected, the fear of what others will think of my submissions, and just start submitting my writing places. fyi: i haven't really quit writing per se, i've just had my desire to publicly read and submit my work places zapped. soooo, i'm gonna shape some shit up, and send it out. in the past, i've sent stuff out (only to 5 or 6 places) and have never heard anything back, OR have had my package scanned and put under the "let's hear from our reader's" section, which i found to be both annoying and insulting. the one magazine that did that made me furious, because i felt that they didn't even bother to READ what i sent them and review it. i doubted myself and felt that i was no good because 5 or 6 magazines wouldn't give me the time of day. i forget that for every rejection there's some publisher out there, or some publication that would be happier than a pig in shit to have my writing. there's a ton of liberal arts colleges that will PAY for me to come out and read to their student organizations. i just need to get off my fucking ass and DO IT. the book i had planned on publishing via a local vanity press won't be happening this year because of financial constraints, but that doesn't mean i should stop writing or submitting.

fourth things fourth-- it's five in the morning and i really need to get to bed. i'm going to lafayette tomorrow to have my first sex toy party since i've become a consultant for a particular company. i'm not tired, but i need to try.


thanks for reading!

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