!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

on crowded pond

2006-02-07 / 2:40 a.m.
when you read online blogs, don't stick around too long if the entry begins with "life is like..." because you know that the rest of the entry is gonna suck. it doesn't matter if the rest of the sentence is "... a box of chocolates, a heavy metal song, a cruel game that god chose you to be in..." and so forth. anything that begins with "life is like..." is cheez whiz.

i'm not gonna start my entry with "life is like..." because i want you to keep reading. instead i will tell you with what life HASN'T been like as of lately:

happiness: i'm suffering from some sort of clinical episode mixed with my hormones. i've been on the brink of crying every single day, my stomach has been doing all sorts of contortive exercises, but the only thing i can muster up are really watery eyes. all i've been able to extract out of life as of lately is how much the world fucking sucks. nevermind the juicy parts: great sex, dipping food in ranch dressing, warm flannel pajamas--i've just been focused on all the bad stuff. i must be wearing my poo lens.

a sense of contentment: because of my shitty attitude, i've wanted to quit several things. i've wanted to quit making art, i've reconsidered wanting to conceive this spring, and i've wanted to kill jenfish superstar entirely. i'm sick of jenfish superstar. first of all it was a stupid name to pick, i was trying to be witty, and it didn't work--i meant jenfish superstar as in daughter of jesus christ superstar, not mary katherine gallagher of SNL superstar. nobody fucking got it. not related to princess superstar the DJ, i meant jenfish superstar, daughter of jesus christ supestar making fun of the whole 'too cool for school' paradigm. it didn't work. second of all, and hear me out--i have my poo lens on--my writing fucking sucks. it started out as feminist ranting/whiny assed love poems, evolved into a few nuggets of wisdom, and still lacks anything catchy. i can't even believe i want to write a book covering ten years of my writing journey. i don't know who i'm trying to kid. my shit doesn't sell, i don't book any fucking shows unless i'm sucking on some other artist like a leech. i suck, i suck, i suck.

then as of recently there is another fish in the literary pond, john fish. and i'm not going to lie, it bothers me. the pond is too fucking crowded for another fish. the biggest reason why i have a hair up my ass about it is because it's my dad's name, and for those of you who are dedicated readers or close friends know that i get all fucked up over my father. my dad is a source of pain for me that i've worked my ass off to recover from. i've gone to years and years of therapy to unlearn every fucked up thing i experienced as a kid and to teach myself that yes, i'm a really good daughter, even though i choose not to stay in contact with my dad who is a homeless drunk. every time i see or hear about the 'writer' john fish, i cringe, because i'm thinking about my dad. i toiled over accepting jennifer fish as 'jenfish' and after years of people melding jen+fish i finally became comfortable with it, i don't want anyone to don 'fish' except for me. does that make sense?

yes, i realize i'm being selfish. if i had it my way, i'd reinvent another word for selfish because it has the word 'fish' in it. what about all the other fish in the sea? the other fish don't live in bloomington. i shouldn't speak too soon, there are probably other fish that live here, but there's only ONE jenfish, right?

i whined to vin about this, and i've made the decision that no matter how black life seems, i will not make any major decisions about anything while i am premenstrual, or menstrual. that gives me two weeks outta da month to make BIG decisions. baby? stop creating? change our cell phone plan? who the fuck knows, i just find comfort that i don't have to decide anything right now.

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