!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

do NOT sit next to dennis

2006-01-16 / 3:47 a.m.
well, i took my state EMT practical skills station tests, and PASSED-(unofficially, of course). i get my certificate n'shit in the mail in 6 weeks. yee fucking hah, i am so glad this shit is ALMOST over.

i say ALMOST because i still have to take my state paper test. i am not worried at all about this part. multiple choices on a paper test=good. practical skills stations that do not give you any prompts that you are on the right track=nerve wrecking. it was the first time in a long time that i wanted to drink or get really, really high. i ran out of time during my KED station, and started to feel super self-conscious about that, and assumed i failed that station. by the time i got to the second skills station (long spine board) i was shaking like don fucking knotts and thought i forgot something mid-test. i started to cry like a little fucking bitch that finds out her cat died, and later found out i didn't miss ANYTHING and passed the stations. un-fucking-believable!

i hate being an emotional person. i hate crying in front of other people and being vulnerable. i wish i were someone who was much more reserved and mysterious. i also know if i weren't so 'out there' and didn't let my freak flag fly, i would probably NOT be an artist, i would probably NOT be where i am today, and i would probably be in an unhappy relationship and have a job that i hate because i would never let others know what i wanted or needed all because i would want to be 'elusive'. i would probably be really boring, listen to Dave Matthews Band, and think that rice cakes were delicious.

vin and i talked about how we wanted to spend our vacation next month. we've decided to NOT see my mother in florida because we wanted to unplug and unwind. i don't care how fucking healthy one's family is-(and mine isn't at all),going on vacation to visit a family member is a waste of time...ya stress out about seeing them, you're stressed out about keeping a 'front' for them during the visit, and by the time the visit is over, your vacation is too. so, we've tabled seeing judy for another year.

sooo, we're going to take a little money we've saved (we trying to not use credit cards anymore), and rent a cabin in brown county. we're going to hole ourselves in, soak in a hot tub, have tons of sex, watch star wars, and eat nachos. sounds like paradise to me.

i find it odd that i want to stay in a log cabin after seeing 'cabin fever' last night. i was curious about the film after seeing 'hostel'. CF was fucking gross as hell, but wasn't a dud like others had informed me. it was all about the fear of decomposition. there were some of eli roth's shorts on the DVD as extras, and i found those to be really funny. my favorite character was the little village of the damned looking kid, 'dennis'. i'm a late bloomer as far as gory movies go...i'm beginning to find them very enjoyable, and extremely funny.

hmmm, five years ago, the thought of being a parent was absofuckinglutely out of the question, and there's no way in hell you could convince me that there's any humor in being terrified. i'm enjoying getting older and letting go of shit. sure, there's stuff i'm still holding onto, like the fear that things won't REALLY work out-(whatever that means). i want to bring something into the world, it's a blessing to experience the whole spectrum of feelings and not have to walk around under a cloud of doom all the time. my life far exceeds any expectations i have ever imagined. i remember thinking that i would never leave three rivers, and would die from an overdose, or choking on my own vomit. but i'm here...right here, writing this cheezy assed diary, i have a cat in my lap, and a heart that at times, is five times too big for my body.

"PANCAKES!!!"

»«