!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

magic pants

2006-01-05 / 11:19 a.m.
the holidays are over, and in spite of feeling like i was going fucking crazy, santa claus, kris kringle, chanukkah harry, or who the fuck ever runs the present distribution- (it could be jesus for all i know, but last time i checked i don't believe jesus cares about christmas) thought i was an angel. yee fucking hah.

i got an issue of 'dirty found', a magazine that prints found items which is incredibly amusing. the publisher received so many dirty submissions they have a couple of porn style issues that are absolutely hillarious. you should really pick one up if you can. anyway, in the middle of the magazine, vinnie inserted a cupon for a hot stone massage and tub soak at the local day spa. i instantly used it, and the massage therapist didn't use the hot stones during my massage, which vince paid an additional $15. naturally, i politely complained, and managed to get a cupon for a SECOND MASSAGE with STONES. nice, huh?

oh wait, there's more....

ended up getting hand held weights, a giant teddy bear--and YES i sleep with a stuffed animal. i have a plush sandy cheeks from spongebob and a monkey, but i've been sleeping with them for so long that they're kind of funky and have drool stains on them from me tucking them under my chin. chanukkah harry thought this to be a little disgusting, so he got me a large black fuzzy teddy bear that is mega soft for me to squeeze, sleep, and drool on. since he's black, i found it only appropriate to name him beary white, the big sexy black bear himself.

i also scored a chia herb garden, fuzzy socks (10 pairs!), a planner, the 12th lemony snickett book, and a pair of flannel pjs with sock monkeys all over them.

the most amazing xmas gift of all, was my purchase at goodwill. i bought a pair of addidas track pants there, came home, washed them, and put them on the next morning. i noticed a very large lump in the pocket and wondered, 'what's this?' i pulled out an enormous wad of cash, totalling about $287 dollars. at first i thought vince put it there as a gift, but as soon as i saw the first bill was $100, my eyes widened and i started going "fuck, fuck, fuck!" i woke vinnie up and threw the money on the bed, and he rolled around in it like demi more did in that movie with robert redford, where she fucks him for a million dollars. vinnie has now donned me 'magic pants'.

i don't know where that money came from, for all i know it was meth money, stripper money, or perhaps someone's money that will dearly be missed. in different circumstances, i would look for the owner and return the cash-(for instance a found wallet, or purse). but since it was pants....fuck that. i'm keeping the green. don't worry, i'm not completely souless: i gave some to charity.

i guess it really does pay to shop at goodwill!

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