!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

mental metamucil backup

2005-12-27 / 8:59 a.m.
when i was 18 or 19, i started working with disabled peeps in group homes throughout kalamazoo. one home in particular was infamous for having the residents develop what was referred to as 'metamucil backup'. y'see, they all had to take meds that bound them up, and so we would give them metamucil morning, noon, and night to make sure they could still shit.

sometimes a resident wouldn't have a movement for a couple days...then, BOOM an enormous log of gelatinous fluff. fucking disgusting, but i suppose it felt good to them to finally take a shit.

and that my friends, is how life has been for me mentally as of lately. i have just had a mental metamucil back up. i don't apologize for the pooping analogy because that is the closest thing i can compare my mental posture to: an enormous poop log that has been waiting more than a few days to rear it's food baby head to the world: i've been waiting to break, scream, sleep, and do all the normal emotional processes that all humans should be doing now for weeks!

the first item of joy was ending my fucking pain in the ass EMT class. my hell isn't over, i still have to take my state paper and practical exam, but i am no longer spending 8 hours a week in a classroom listening to lectures and antecdotes by good ol' boys. the grading scale was vicious: i earned a 92 which isn't an A, it's a B. this will have to be good enough. i busted my ass trying to get an A in the class, because i feel that after living years of being a slacker, that i feel i have to show others that jennifer lynn fish is committed to more than just 'passing' in life. it was a great feeling to leave the cheezy career center and be done mingling with a handful of shitheads.

for example, we had a guy in class who would NOT stop talking about living in arizona and how he used to be this bad assed EMT, but let his certification expire, blah, blah, blah. i was relieved to find that he got on everyone's nerves. he was the kind of guy who couldn't stand to have silence, and was always fucking talking. my spiritual side should have been able to identify and feel some empathy for him, but i didn't. i was profusely annoyed, and it wasn't that whole psycho babbo of being pained because he reminded me of my formal self-(well maybe 5% of it was that). he was a fucking annoying assed know it all. one student called him "phoenix" in secret. another called him "big mouth". i ended up donning him with "the nutsack". at first it was "senyor nutsack" but the dude who called him "phoenix" said it was far too sophisticated, so a group of us settled on "el nutsack". when i was feeling cantankerous, i would call him "the bigmouth phoenix nutsack" for extra flair.

then there was the asshole lecturer who thought it would be funny to squirt students during a discussion on terrorism with a squirt gun. some of the water hit me. well, the douchebag didn't realize that i had been subjected to several years of aversion therapy as a child and that being squirted with cold water would bring back an onslaught of memories about being abused by my parents. i was able to eventually cry like i wanted to in therapy with my new therapist. oh ya, did i tell y'all my therapist of 4 years ended up moving to wisconsin? that didn't tradge me out as much as losing my sponsor of 5 years...which is an entirely different journal entry. i've gotten an new one of those too. she's allright, and helps me work a 'program' but, i'm still kind of picking at my scabs

so back to the dickhead that squirted me with water....i fucking freaked out in the lecture and said "goddamnit you turd!" by the way, is EXTREMELY restrained for the likes of me. his reply: HE SQUIRTED ME A SECOND TIME AND THE CLASS LAUGHED AT ME. i left class, drove home not really remembering how i drove home, and proceeded to cry like a little bitch. i vented to vinnie about the situation, and the next time i was in class, filed a complaint with the lead teacher. i was met with shocking indifference and was treated like i had overreacted. i told the teacher that i didn't want to have to discuss my personal life, but i had been abused with water as a child. his reply: "well it was just some water...aren't you overreacting? i mean, my dad doused me with lighter fluid and chased me with a lighter and i seemed to get over it!"

woah, i guess he wins the fucked up contest. what an asshole.

when i wasn't at class, and wasn't working, i was trying to get sleep. when i wasn't trying to get sleep i was trying to be a good recovering alcoholic. when i wasn't at my stupid ass meetings, i was eating or taking a shit. then there's holiday stress. part of the whole reason i converted to judaism is because i hate christmas and love krusty the clown. i've been praying to get through these times, but i think god has an ear infection or something. when i wasn't doing that i was trying to catch up on watching teevee and attempting to prove to my friends that yes, i was stillaliveandi'msorryihaven'tbeentalkingto anyofyouandoncei'mdonewithallthishorseshitipromisewe'llgetcoffeeorsomething,okay?


so you know i haven't been journaling. well, i'm back and i'm apologize to all 5 of my dedicated readers. i have more to post, but i'm off to michigan for a couple of days to play catch up with one of my college roommates.

and that dear readers, is mental metamucil back up, dontcha think?

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