!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

it's a jew thing, you wouldn't understand...or maybe you would, i don't know

2005-10-12 / 6:56 p.m.
i gave in and went to the doctor this morning. i didn't get put on antibiotics as i had suspected, just a super-duper nasal decongestant that makes me feel like i'm on speed (shaky, sweaty, and thirsty with NO appetite) and some goey ear drops.

i proceeded to gallivant about town like a sick chicken with her head cut off. i wanted to just go home and sleep, but i had shit to do. i started out by stopping by the synagogue to tell them i wouldn't be at services because i'm not feeling well, then i did the stupid mundane necessities like getting the car serviced, getting the car gassed up and washed, picking up flea/tick/heartworm shit for the cats, going to the pharmacy for me, going to goodwill and jo-ann fabrics to purchase goods for me and vinnie's eroticon outfits. i'm going as 'breakfast in bed' and i'm dressing up vin as cupid. it should be a hoot. my last stop was to go and get some b&j's. i'm still pissed at them for taking brownie batter off the market. everything else is subpar.

i got home and crashed. tried to sleep but the decongestant had me up pissing every half hour. had some more ice cream and took the dog for a walk. i was able to smell fall in all her essence: cut grass, that leafy smell, and rotting crab apples that had been smooshed into the road. while walking, i started to get into mental overdrive about not being at kol nidre and yom kippur services. part of me thought, 'this is all the kol nidre i need...being alone, contemplating my errors in the company of my pets at home', then i jumped back in my memory of how at taschlich, i totally spaced out while throwing crumbs in the river. it wasn't a private spiritual experience, because i was around all my other fellow jews.

then there's this other part of me that thinks hell or high water i should be at shul confessing my sins in public with the rest of 'em. of course, i'm not there--i'm here on the infernet blogging and spending kol nidre at home. i figure why be like others and only be at shul on high holy days? why not just make a committment in my al-cheit prayers tonight to make more of an effort to observe shabbat by going to temple? like any other person who is trying to lead a spiritual life, i question some of the itemized do's and don'ts of my faith.

for example, i have NEVER fully fasted on yom kippur. my version of 'fasting' is drinking water, juice, soy milk, and yogurt smoothies. i feel that fasting is a disservice to my body because i'm in remission from bulimia. fasting of any kind, even if spiritual in nature can set me up for an ugly relapse. not to mention it makes me feel like shit. i understand part of the 'atonement' is to feel those hunger pains as i explore where i've missed the mark, i just think i qualify for dispensation on that one. hey, i'm a fucking jew--it's well within my right to question authority. that's the greatest thing about my faith, i think.

i also make art on high holy days, even shabbat. i figure making art draws me closer to god, because it's a form of meditation for me. i consider my artistic endeavors to be one of the many gifts i receive from god, and i'm doing a disservice by ignoring my artistic inclinations.

so, what do i want from myself for this year? i know this sounds so generic, but i just want to be a better fucking person. i want to be more observant of shabbat (when i don't have to work on shabbat) by keeping the phone OFF and not worrying about ANYTHING financial. this means spending money in any form, fretting over bills, etc. i want to start praying more often. if i said i wanted to pray every day, then i'd beat up on myself the first day i forgot to do so. besides, prayer isn't a point scoring thing, it's me venting to god. i would like to take more time to vent to god. i want to stop gossiping, esp. at work. it's so fucking easy to do, but i'm deeply ashamed when i do it. i want to stop being so hard on myself. i have these lists of things i want to accomplish and i know i can't get them all done right away, that it will be a waxing and waning process.

(((i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and garsh donneit, people like me)))

i never imagined i would actually take anything a saturday night live character said to heart.

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