!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

summer trail mix of words

2005-06-16 / 9:15 a.m.
ah, day three of day four off. i really like having four days off in a row. it's like having a mini vacation. i feel like i get tons accomplished.

on the first day, i did a ton of sleeping, eating, and watching television. yesterday, i took on the uber task of cleaning the garage and getting my studio in order. it was really gross, but for the most part--it's done! i took a 30 minute shower just to make sure that i scrubbed every disgusting crevice in my body that might have dust, spider webs, and other gross garage garbage in it. i was RIPE!

and today, well me and vin have off together. i know we're going into town and eating at the siam house. i have no idea what else we will do. probably fuck.

when i was cleaning out the garage, i found a box with some pictures and postcards in it. many of them were of a couple different exes of mine. some of the notes were from dr. h, and reverend p. during my college years. i felt an array of emotions, mostly sadness. i don't have room in my heart for anger anymore. i just get a tint bummed out because i really regret some of my actions with people in the past.

i recognize there is nothing i can do about that, and that my ammends to those people and the universe is just to work on being a good person and doing the next right thing. i cried for a while thinking about it, and talked to a few people about it. the onslaught of regret is quite human.

i'm also getting stuff together for the book coming out next year. it's a ten year glance at all of my writing: poems songs, prose, stories, and essays. i found some poems from age 19. good lord, they are awful. most of them are--but the point of the book is to show aspiring writers that it's important to keep shit to see progress, and to know that the craft of writing is something that waxes and wanes. eventually one will get better with practice and experience. i also noticed that are stages in my writing. 18-20 years-(angsty swiss cheese heartache and suicidal ideations), 21-25 years(how life is unfair, i hate the government, and lots of other hateful stuff), 26-29 years (lesbian themed, sexual, and more residual anger), and 30-current ( attention towards stories, happiness, rhythmic patterns, sing-songy, and irony).

i really enjoy getting older. i feel like my life is just beginning. i don't have all the answers, i know shit is gonna happen and work out regardless of how i would like it to, and i'm fucking fine with it.

»«