!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

marble tulip juicy tree

2005-04-12 / 10:31 a.m.
spring is my favorite time of year. consequently, it is also the same time of year i have a mental freak out. i've been abstinent from episodes that warrant severe mental health intervention for several years now, but historically spring has been the time where instead of being reborn and one with nature, i fuck up.

looks like the past is the past, though. each year i become more stable and closer to whatever i pictured normal to be. it brings me to tears. my eyes absorb every color and i am no longer plagued by the brain clouds.

favorite site so far has been the tulip trees. they look so delicious. i want to eat a bowl full of the petals with some raspberry vinegarette salad dressing and sage roasted chicken chunks. for dessert, i'll have a cross section of a green field with lots of that purple shit that is crowning everywhere. no, they're not crocuses...they're some sort of weed with the tiniest violets. they're not violets either. it's some sort of weed. anyway, when i look at the hills on my commute to my new job, they look like they've been frosted with lavendar sugar.

last night i found out a fiction story of mine didn't make the cut to an anthology that some other poems of mine are going to be in. i was pissed, and i noticed how beautiful it was to give myself permission to be upset without taking anyone hostage. my life far exceeds any expectations i have ever had of it. sitting in the therapist's office this morning, i thought i was gonna start blubbering over it all, that notion that every thing is going to be okay and that overwhelming feeling of contentment that i don't know all the fucking answers. that i am my own family, that i don't have to be part of my biological family anymore...you know, all that happy horse shit. i'm not at one with the universe, nor do i ever think i will be. i simply recognize the universe is constant and am entertained with the beautiful AND homely. hell, i find beauty in the ugly.

what is ugly? depends on the day. right now it is a rotting dog carcass i pass while walking my very much alive dog down the road. when it was colder, the body stayed intact for several weeks. it slept nestled between a couple of hills, a black speck against the blonde of last year's grass. now that the weather is warmer, it has rapidly dissintegrated. i hold my nose because the stench is so pungent. i do stop to look at it and am in awe of the beauty of the pile of bones it has become. rib cage spiralling, skull with teeth, the empty space created by the eye sockets. most people would gag and hurl, but to me it's a painting.

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