!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

god bless big butts and a phone call from dad

2004-12-26 / 11:00 a.m.
whoosh, it's all over. now everyone will be taking their gifts back. i'm glad i don't have a job in retail. if you do, my sympathies.

i fucking hate christmas. there, i said it. I FUCKING HATE CHRISTMAS. it's getting better though. i'm married to my best friend, so we have a family of our own, and i can replace the shitty memory of my dad's drunken antics with visions of sugarplums,love, and a blazing menorah.

i didn't grow up jewish, and i didn't convert because vinnie is a jew. he isn't--c'mon a jew named vinnie? i converted on my own. my mom's side of the family is allegedly assimilated, and my father's side is unaffiliated. so, like any other amerikkan fam, we had xmas until i was 14. then mom started studying with the jehovah's witnesses and we didn't celebrate any holidays at all. she quit after they said she couldn't get baptized if she continued to smoke pot. by then i had left home.

when i was 12 my father took all of our christmas presents and tin foil tree and tossed them out into the biting michigan snow. any time i hear a christmas song, see a christmas show, or hear about some sort of fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, i think of that moment. i can't help it, it's been freezerburned in my brain.


and that's why i hate christmas.

i've tried to release that demon and embrace the spirit of santa. i know in my heart of hearts that rudolph, frosty, and the like have nothing to do with the birth of jesus. i know that christmas was a national holiday in germany and many jews back then observed both xmas and chanukkah. i know that chanukkah isn't even a holy day, it's celebrated so little jew kids don't feel alienated by the kids who get xmas presents. i've seen 'scrooged', and cried like a little bitch when that kid talked at the end of the movie. i know all of that. i still hate christmas.

i did get an xmas miracle...two of them.


1) the waitress at schwarma king was working when vinnie and i were in kzoo and waited on us. she has the most beautiful huge ass i have ever seen. it's hypnotic. i want to spank it, bite it, and bury my face in it's ghetto booty glory. vin and i hadn't seen her there in a while, so we thought that she had been fired or something. when we pulled in the parking lot, i saw her tight jeaned butt in the window and my black jew heart grew sixteen times bigger. i said the shehechianu and thanked god for big butts.

2) a few sundays ago, my estranged father called. i don't think that man has said more than 10 words to me in my 31 years of living, and he talked to me for about 20 minutes and did most of the talking. it was surreal. neither of us mentioned the christmas of 1985. i didn't ask him if he was sober-(i'm assuming he's not) or anything. i just savoured the moment that my father was asking me how i was doing and making small chitchat. it was precious. again, i said the shehechianu and cried like a little bitch. i love that man, but still more of me wishes that god would end his suffering and let him die. i know that sounds cruel to wish such a thing, but if you knew my dad, you would understand.

for the record, i still hate christmas. it's getting a bit better every year though.

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