!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

ack, this is a little sappy, but then again--so are trees.

2004-11-06 / 1:26 p.m.
okay, my political tantrum is over. i'm still feeling as if i've been ass fucked sans lube, but i'm gonna move on.

the bushman. he can't run any more. i told vin to start looking for jobs in kwaj, but he reminded me that we made a committment to stay where we are for the next couple of years. both of us have moved our whole lives: vin in his later years, me--i'm a rollin' stone, courtesy of my alcoholic parents.

november--the trees look like dry gray bones waving in the air. i think of losing janelle this time of year. before i used to just post her name as "J" but i figgered that she's dead, and it's no big deal. this is her 10 year anniversary. AIDS is still rampant, people are still fucking without rubbers and shooting dope, under the impression that if Magic J is still okay, that they have nothing to worry about. ummm, Magic is rich n' famous, and eventually the meds will stop working.

so much for Magic being magic.

this coming wed. was supposed to be 'weensday', but their tour was cancelled. i was disappointed, but i'm just glad they have their shit together enough to know when intervention is needed. big props to them, took nads the size of texas to postpone/cancel a tour. gener, my prayers are out to ya. my husband and i talk about ya every day and hope you are getting better.

it's funny--most people associate ween with using mass quantities of drugs and drinking. not me: i dipped my toes in the boognish pond after i had quit. i know this sounds mega mc cheezy, but listening to their albums has been my alternative to drinking and getting high over the past 11 some years. i crank the music up, listen to gener belt out lyrics and am in awe of deaner's ability to make the guitar talk like it does. it really is true, music soothes the savage beast.

sometimes my inner beast tells me crazy things that i am no longer interested in doing:
why don't you just die,

why don't you just say 'fuck it all' and go have a beer,

and you know you've always wanted to try a potpourri of these new drugs that these crazy kids are using these days.

but i just say no. nancy regan would be proud. but i don't do it for her. i do it because i don't want to miss any of this hot assed action while we're living in the most insane of times. wouldn't want to miss a second of it because of death or because i was too messed up to hear and see what's going on. sobriety ain't always the easiest shit to endure, but man it's pure unfiltered reality.

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