!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> Jen's Dirty Thirties

jen's very goth entry: you probably won't get it.

2004-10-03 / 8:25 a.m.
i didn't know this: if you bale hay when it is still wet, funguses and bacteria will grow in the middle and the bale catches fire. hmm, i thought farmers were just randomly setting hay on fire to annoy me on my drive to work.

i can relate. sometimes i think i'm a wet bale of hay rotting on the inside, growing nasty shit, festering, and ready to explode into fire.

ah, perhaps it is just the time of year. i LOVE fall. i love the way it smells, all of the colors, the ritual of putting away summer clothes and getting out the warmer stuff. truth is: fall is about dying, and i wouldn't be a very good goth chick. well, maybe if i earned my gothpoints for being depressed, but death...no. don't like it. or maybe i do...wait, no i don't.

i think of jim carroll's piece off his "pools of mercury" album: "it goes..." the funk rises and falls like the tide. i feel good most of the time, i'm a cynic, a lover, and a quiet little mouse. but sometimes i just get creepy--i plan my funeral, wonder what people would do if i kicked the bucket. would i go to hell? probably, i've made one too many jokes about the retarded. really, i'm a good soul, really i am.

okay, okay: positive time-(insert stuart smalley voice here). things that make life wonderful: colors, art, music, food, smells, my husband, my cats, my cute little 750 square foot home and the wooded lot that goes with it. the fluff from milkweed, hot cocoa, apple cider, watching re-runs of my favorite shows, and my never ending imagination. i tell you reader, it never stops! i don't even get relief in my dreams. i am a 24-7-365 operation of recycled mahem juxtaposed with the soul of a long gone drag queen. well, except my inner DQ doesn't smoke, drink, or have really good fashion sense. hmmm, i guess that doesn't make me have an inner drag queen. it means i have to redefine myself AGAIN. goody.

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